I often find I have problems with myself. Maybe I wished to have a better physique, or I wish to have a better hairstyle, because, there you go, image and status does count, in order to get the characters for which I was auditioning. Here is a few of the characters I have auditioned for and at that time I was unsuccessful: Arlecchino, Pantalone, the lover X, she, Puck from Midsummer Night’s Dream, Jago from Othello, Medeea and the list could go on and on, if only I could remember despite the infinite number of auditions I have attended.
Maybe once I might have silenced my inner voice, and felt ashamed for it, and I said to myself like a child: ‘Why? What did I do wrong?’ or ‘Stop wanting that! ‘ or ‘No, I can’t do that right now!’
The so-called lack of love, in which your own imagination invests in, received from the Theatre, this Beast of the Artistic industry, which so hard so many young artists are trying to ride on, sets a beautiful platform for a rigorous test which I chose to keep under control via a timeless research. Staring in dumbfoundedness with a pair of horse glasses and teased by the not-so-many fulfilled happy actors world, filled with glory and fame, the feeling of rejection and not being loved gets accentuated.
Looking back at all of these frustrations I find relief now knowing that dreaming has a constructive concrete function. Yes, I did try to fill the empty spot with different activities, some became quite compulsive, but I dare say it quite strengthened the connection for later on.
The happening of life and always pursuing auditions, some successful, some less successful, teaches you what perspective and new options to choose when dealing with issues. Is never too late to be Jago or Puck or Arlecchino, there is still time, but for sure every day, if I can afford it, I can take time to dream of them and aspire. In fact, as an artist dreaming is a vital aspect of our own existence. Dreaming takes you a step closer to materialising it. To consolidate what I am saying, I have to admit that if 6 years ago I was put down for being a ‘bad chaotic’ Arlecchino, nowadays I travel all over the world under guidance and direction with my own version of Arlecchino, Milkshake, the Bubble ‘Arlecchino’ clown. I found my own Commedia dell’Arte Arlecchino version which is accepted and so much loved.
I give myself daily treats, letting myself prey of my own imagination and wonder where and what creation can future characters stimulate in me. Therefore, I feel very rich and all the characters belong to me. And yes, King Lear might be too sophisticated for me at this moment, but I can allow myself to visit him/her with my mind, sit there and say: ‘Despite the fact that I might never happen, it’s ok to dream.’ This is indeed a tiny and so precious gift of being an artist and constitutive element of my own artistry. My mind just wonders!
I am not alone in this. I accept it is not within my reach what is happening around me. Treat every audition, every project as a means of being lovable, as a nurturing chance to start again and to love yourself and your artistry. Dreaming of things, wishes, places, adventures, people and friends gets you closer to reality.